Inner Critic

In coaching. One of the largest limiting beliefs we have is called the inner critic. Some coaches call it the inner critic, some call it the shadow, some call it the judge or the gremlin. One of the questions I get asked a lot is how do I know what my inner critic is? And how do I know how it's holding me back today? I'm going to walk you through that. But first I'd like to share a story that illustrates how our inner critics prevent us from actually growing, which is what we all want is to continue to grow. So I had a friend who through past experiences, took on the belief system that she was insignificant. She wasn't conscious to this fact of course, until about her mid-thirties. And instead, it was unconsciously driving her for over three decades. She began to realize that there was this little voice inside her head that said, be quiet.

Don't stand out. Don't get notice. You don't matter. Anyway, always put others first, minimize your presence as much as possible because when you are seen painful things happen. So this little voice I am insignificant said, I need to make myself invisible, invisible to the external world. And as a result, she became invisible to herself. She began to deny her intuition to dismiss her desires and to diminish her own dreams. She did what was expected of her based on conventional wisdom and what other people expected. And she never ever asked for help. She didn't apply for jobs that would've launched her career further. She didn't accept compliments because believing them would make her arrogant and visible. She didn't speak up when something felt off, she didn't say the things that needed to be said, and she held onto friends and jobs way longer than was healthy or helpful.

She kept herself tightly wound and closed off because that inner critic told her you are insignificant, be invisible to avoid the pain of being seen, judged and disappointing others. Can you imagine how this inner critic limited her life personally and professionally? What opportunities she didn't pursue? What help she didn't accept or realize was actually there in the first place and what risks she didn't take so that she could continue to play. Small playing small was less painful, believing she was insignificant, had a significant impact on her results and her relationships. As she got older, she realized she didn't have the meaning or the depth in relationships that she was longing for. She hadn't achieved the title she thought she wanted or would make her successful. And she certainly hadn't expressed her true feelings or aspirations with those closest to her about what she wanted to do in business or what she wanted home to look like.

All of this was because her inner critic said, play small, be invisible. You are insignificant. Avoid the pain. That friend was actually me. I call her my friend because she was a completely different person and version of the who that I am today. And I have a lot of compassion for her. I began to realize how small I was playing in all areas of my life and work and how exhausted I was putting others first. And I started thinking about how could I respect and start listening to myself the way I respected and listened to others. So I began the practice of paying attention to all of those inside voices, as crazy as it sounds, we all have them. And I paid attention to the impact they were having on my mood, my energy and my actions. Quite frankly, this inside voice, this inner critic, though, it sounds negative like a person.